Goodbye
August 16, 2025
"and the universe said I love you
because you are love."
—Minecraft End Poem
On senior ditch day, someone (possibly me) came up with the idea of watching the Minecraft movie. It easily became the worst movie I’ve ever watched in my life.
That day still holds a special place in my heart, though. I realize now that this gathering is probably the last time I have a proper hangout session with some of those people, let alone even seeing them. There’s always going to be a last time, but we all avoid thinking about it. Worse, we don’t know when that last time is going to come, or if we even get to realize it.
One of my friends who came to watch the Minecraft movie said that line in the poem is their favorite. They liked it so much that they used it as their senior quote in the yearbook. It’s little stories like this that ironically make me a little sad. Perhaps predictably, it reminds me of the people I’ve cared a lot about who I’ve lost and how grief is love with nowhere to go. This grief actualizes a death people don’t talk about (because how can you do that) and you don’t see coming.
What if you should decide
that you don't want me there in your life?
For me, when a relationship starts involving giving gifts, that’s where I get weak. For me, gifts are a huge part of how I show appreciation to others, probably because I’ve always seen my mom suggest that I do so for my teachers. It is the ultimate form of selflessness, because once I give it away, it’s gone. I don’t have any expectation of it coming back or of them treating it the way I would’ve treated it. Maybe they’ll frame it in their room as the most treasured object of their possession; maybe they’ll store it in one of their drawers, never for it to be seen but stored somewhere in their heart nonetheless; maybe it’ll end up being a gift to someone else, partly to show appreciation for them, but more to get rid of the painful memories associated with that object’s creator.
I’ve never regretted showing my love for someone even if it came at a huge cost to me.
I don’t think I’ve ever concluded a relationship by feeling bitter about the other person. Sure, I feel it at first, because it’s easier to blame something. In the end though, I just… feel kinda sad that it had to end—that ending turned out to be easier than trying to fix things. I suppose it winds up feeling like an unsolved puzzle for someone else to solve when I so desperately want it to be me, because now, it feels like I failed to be there for them, to understand them. It’s so unsatisfying when left incomplete, and I’ll just have to learn how to live with that. I must accept that I’m just not the right one for the task, either because I am human and actually incapable, or it isn’t my choice.
•❃°•°❀°•°❃•
And you've spent the summer drinking,
while I spent it being erased
Today, I threw away a plant someone gifted me because it died. I genuinely didn’t mean for it to, but I had neglected it because I put in a room I don’t go into often.
The plant was pretty easy to remove, because it dried up in a bulb, including the roots. I just pulled it up in a mound, and it was gone.
I guess I’m surprised because I’m not the type of person to let go of something like that—letting it die by accident, I mean. Usually, I'm pretty responsible with my care.
When I heard the impact of the plant hitting the bottom of the trash, it felt symbolic. It didn’t have to end this way, did it? We both have myopia, though I don't think I would've had the shortsightedness to do this to them. While I said some pretty harsh things, I wouldn't change a thing. I stand by what I said, because I was standing up for myself and the people I love. If only there was more time, because I never got to make my point. At least I'm confident that my truth is my own, but too bad defending it came with painful consequences.
I’m not going to reach back in and repot the plant. It’s easier not to.
•❃°•°❀°•°❃•
"Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love."
—Fyodor Dostoevsky
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
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