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The Kleptomaniac Attractant

September 14, 2024

This is my red Raytheon water bottle, which I hold quite dear to me. It’s adorned with stickers, dented thoroughly, and most importantly, stolen over a hundred times. I got it from MathCounts Nationals in the year that it was held online. I still remember finding out about qualifying for it—I was in the middle of art class over Zoom, when I suddenly itched to check MathCounts State results on AoPS. I didn’t expect anything, because I didn’t remember doing particularly well, but on the screen, it flashed, “Congratulations! You are invited…” and my heart jumped. There was no need for me to read further. I could not believe it, and for the next five minutes, I had to force my poker face and act as if I was pondering my next muse.

I used to insist that the water bottle must remain in its sleek, untainted, clean form. It was like a trophy that I held dear to my heart. For about a year, I restrained myself from adding a sticker before I thought that it was silly to not use my massive stash of stickers.

And thus, it began.

A massive, loaf-like cat. I figured that this sticker was acceptable because 1. It’s predominantly red, and 2. It’s a cat.

But oh! Next came the pride frog, which was too cute not to include. There’s a lovely cat bookstore in our town called The Radical Cat, which is where I got this sticker from. The frog is simply so hoppy and gay, and the pastel colors are lovely. Also, I am an ally.

And the rest of the larger stickers all hold a story of their own:

  1. Totoro: One of my friends, Horse trumpet, who is also one of the kleptomaniacs, did as a kleptomaniac would, which was to steal my water bottle. Upon examining this sticker, he misidentifies Totoro as a rat, starts humming Africa, and it takes me much too long to get the joke.
  2. Te odio: Another one of my friends, Metostatis, who is quite unsurprisingly, also one of the kleptomaniacs, was quite insistent on owning a piece of real estate on my water bottle, which was to add a giant sticker with a baby on it. Now, I must say that a giant sticker with a baby on it did not fit in with the other stickers I owned. For most of my junior year, Metostatis's only objective was to get the sticker on there, because it was also like a trophy to him—apparently, he had won it in an intense game among his Spanish classmates. Perhaps now is also a good time to mention that I have nearly no knowledge of Spanish.
  3. Chicken: A third friend and kleptomaniac here, Preminger, drew this one! She had a chicken sticker series and actually started with a sheep sticker series. I still have a lot of these that I have yet to use, because real estate is getting a little tight. A sheep has yet to make its way there though.
  4. Cherry or bird: A mishmash between a cherry and a bird, which is another story on its own. But besides that, I love that every time I lift my water bottle to drink water, anyone who looks over will see this beauty.
  5. Other features: Science, You goat this!, too small of a Hello Kitty, Bread I really like bread, and Octopus army.

Leftover memories

Every time I feel someone brush past me on my left, or even approach me from the left, my instinct is to defend my water bottle, whether it's still there or already stolen. Most of the time, I’m right, but there have been times when I mistake a thievery about to take place when it’s really just someone trying to get by. I mean, out of the 173 people at our school, I can currently think of 11 kleptomaniacs. On some days, my water bottle is more likely to be with someone else than with me.

I don’t know why my water bottle specifically, though I do know that red is quite eye-catching. Perhaps it’s my dramatic reaction every time it’s taken away—I do have to admit that it’s funny to witness this hyperfixation. That’s the thing about friendly thievery: the object is stolen long enough to make you aware that it’s missing, but there’s also enough balance between suspense and safety that there’s a mutual understanding that it’ll return eventually to its rightful owner.

I still remember when my water bottle was stolen by Snapper for so long that I had to resort to my Thermos lid to collect water. Or when Heliscone returned with its handle missing, which was how I learned that the handles were removable. Or during walks to Advanced Chemistry Lab—and at this point, Advanced Biology Lab as well—I’d be an outsider to a hot potato game with my water bottle.

Strangely, I do feel like this water bottle built a sense of community. I met each of the kleptomaniacs individually, yet we all vaguely know each other now. Because the kleptomaniacs are aware of each other’s existence, they have planned more elaborate pranks. Yes, there are some kind souls who try to restore peace and order within the chaos. Once, I mistook Vinny’s attempt to fix the position of my water bottle as a thievery attempt. Then again, I would’ve never expected to have caught cinnoia red-handed, since he was one of the peace-restorers for some time. Shenanigans do bring people together.

I must admit, it’s really nice to have friends carry it sometimes. It lifts a weight off my shoulders.

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