Bubble burst

No, this isn't about the 2008 financial crisis

April 13, 2024

We’ve reached three on the counter for people who’ve told me that I’m vulnerable on this blog, which is really interesting to me because I don’t think I’m being very vulnerable at all. Yes, these thoughts are pretty raw, so I could see that. But if anything, I don’t really open up about my struggles written here with friends. Some of my friends do read these posts, and would probably know more about my struggles from here than from in-person or online interactions. I don’t know why, but I feel a pressing guilt whenever I complain. It feels inherently wrong, like I don’t deserve to experience frustration, even though this isn’t true. Generally, I don’t like complaining unless it’s a shared complaint with the person I’m talking to or if it’s to the point that I physically cannot take it anymore. Even with the latter, usually the vent ends with one of the following: “It’ll be fine,” “I’ll cope,” or “Eh, I’ve got it.”

The strange part is I don’t mind if people around me complain; I just don’t like myself doing it. If anything, I would feel terrible if I knew I could’ve helped someone by letting them vent to me.

Complaint-avoidance isn’t a bad thing, but it’s a double-edged sword, as it calls to the half-full, half-empty glass idea. Seeing a half-full glass is fine and dandy until you’re disillusioning yourself into seeing a glass full when there isn’t even a drop in it.

And that’s when the bubble bursts. Or when the beaker breaks, to align with the glass analogy. To repress the moments in which one cannot take it anymore, or to gaslight oneself into thinking that things are fine. I think the main purpose of this post is to show people who know me maybe more on the surface-level that what I portray on the outside is absolutely not indicative that I’m on top of things all the time. There are times that I break. Yet, there’s this expectation I have out of myself that I have to somehow stay strong for everyone else for some reason, which could perpetuate the image that “I’m on top of things all the time.”

It’s funny I say all this and still perceive some friends who have everything together, even though that’s not realistic and places them on a pedestal rather than as a friend.

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